A new soap opera at The Emirates.

Apparently the Hallmark channel has signed a deal with AFC to produce a new Soap opera entitled; WESTENDERS starring Arsene Wenger in the lead role as Arsend Wanker, a greying father (who was abandoned by his partner Fruitless Fanz) and now supports his 5 children, Gloomy- the eldest whiner, Doomer – the youngest crybaby, Moaner – the 28 year old infant, Groaner – his twin, Goner – his mentally challenged and severest critic, and finally Faithful his adoring daughter and biggest aficionado.

Supporting characters include Dean David, the erstwhile family menor and Stanley Cranky, the landlord and Arsend’s employer at The Emirates Arsenal. Arsend is the plant manager there and is responsible for preparing the artillery crews for the coming competitions.

Here is a brief preview of the season opener entitled: All is Lost

Arsend enters his posh caravan after a hard day at the office. He is greeted by Faithful who berates him in a cheeky way,¨ Hallo daddy, you’re working too hard and taking on too much!¨ Arsend replies, ¨Zut alors ma cherie, who will do it if I don’t?¨ Instantaneously his 4 other offspring crowd around him and cry, ¨wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we want some new toys, waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, we want new playmates, wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you have lost ze plot!¨

Mr.Wanker, alert as always to his children’s needs replies, ¨I ‘ave been working all ze day and night to try and find new toys and playmates zat we can AFFORD but it is not easy in zes recessionary times!¨

The 4 ingrates, totally indifferent to reality and ignorant of anything important chime in, ¨Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, we don’t care if we can’t afford them, you have credit cards, you have a line of credit at the bank, you can take out a second mortgage, you can send Faithful out on the streets with a mattress, you can sell all our toys and playmates, wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we want new silver toys and superplaymates that cost wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much, and if we don’t get them we’ll tell Mr. Cranky to fire you, wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!¨

Arsend, being the kind and understanding father that he is, tries to reason with his 4 brats but they refuse to believe him ,despite Faithful’s intercessions. ¨You whiny little cretins, you are so spoilt by our dear father, you forget so quickly what it was like before he took care of us! Stop being so selfish and start helping to set things right!¨ With a powerful kick she sends the Moaner & Groaner twins flying into the broom closet, sticks Gloomer back in his crib and bitch slaps her oldest brother Gloomy back to the stone age. As he flies off in to the distance, we hear a fading wail,¨Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we want a trophyyyyyyyyyyyy……….¨

Arsend, upset at this familial divisiveness, attempts to calm the waters by calling up his mentor and best friend Dean David to seek his sage advice. Mr.David tells Arsend, ¨Stop treating these moronic kids like they deserve any attention or should be listened to. They know nothing and you’re the boss, stick to your guns, do what you think is best, just like you’ve always done…it has worked in the past and will work even better now!¨ Arsend, relieved at hearing such sound advice returns to see his boss Mr.Cranky and is reassured that he and the Executive Committee are totally behind their manager.

However he still has to deal with many broken toys and a few that have been taken out of commission because they were not functioning properly. Faced with having to use 2^nd choice or untried artillery against the dreaded Mugmashers, his best efforts reap no rewards as his crew fail to handle this lot and also lose 2 more to toys. He wonders to himself if his luck will ever change!

This is the basic plot and storyline proposed by the Hallmark Channel and scheduled for broadcast in the 2011-12 season. Be sure to stay tuned to this channel for future episodes.

Article written by Don McMahon.